March 13, 2010
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LOVESONG
The first time it happened, I was in third grade. I went to a friend’s house to play and at some point in our adventures, something occurred, I don’t remember what, that made it clear I came from a Godless home. My friend’s mom overheard whatever it was, and gave me a look you might give that neglected dog you just found, skinny and full of mange. She touched my arm, with something like fear in her eyes, and said, “Naomi, have you ever taken Jesus into your heart?” Not sure exactly what that meant, I replied with a hesitant “no.”
You could tell by her silent head nod and downcast eyes that this is exactly what she expected to hear from a child whose family did not have religion. “Naomi,” she said, “Will you take Jesus into your heart now? I’ll show you how.” Thus began her sermon, with words I was to recite, and at the end, she cried a little.
I said the words and made her happy, but I no more had Jesus in my heart than I had a unicorn in my sternum. And life went on.
Over the years, more and more people tried to make sure I had Jesus in my heart. My aunt gave me bible verse after bible verse; my grandparents promoted agape; another friend’s mother asked that I recite those words again. By 8th grade I should have been simply chock full o’ Jesus, but I wasn’t. Whatever magic it was they expected my recited words to produce simply didn’t take in me.
I should mention here that it isn’t that I didn’t have an open mind about it. As a child, thinking that someone all knowing and powerful had your back certainly sounded like a good thing, but I couldn’t wrap my head around it. Didn’t compute. And so it wasn’t happening. No Jesus for me.
But, truly, I didn’t and, quite frankly, don’t feel I was or am missing out on anything. I managed to develop a strong sense of right and wrong without fearing the fires of hell or dreaming of a land of unbridled joy and happiness. I am comfortable with being irrelevant, if I am anything at all, to the universe, and in fact, prefer it that way. I do not need the question, “why are we here?” to be answered and am happy with simply exploring the possibilities for as long as I can.
Perhaps most importantly, I have felt unconditional love, only not from an omniscient being. I have known the unconditional love that comes from being yourself around another human (or humans), standing exposed, as it were, and being completely accepted, loved, forgiven - quirks, flaws and all.
Now if this is what you get from your God, if this is what it means to you to have Jesus in your heart, then I am overjoyed for you. I hope it is. But I hope you’ll understand that I simply can’t do it that way. My love must remain here on this earthly sphere, and I am fine with that.
Comments (26)
i think you know how i feel about God, and how i feel about you; i lurvs you both. it's interesting, our journeys. i certainly don't fit the model christian ideal with all my cuss-yapping and martini-swillin' and angry-bloggin', but i know that God made me and i am His. for me there has been mountains of doubt, but in the end there is always God, just as for you there has never been God. funny for you it was third grade that you had your first God experience, i too was but a babe, second grade, but for me it was sitting on a curb in front of my house having a conversation with God himself. something about letting the snowcone truck come down our street, i'm sure
p.s. sorry if my engrish is weird in the post...it's late and i have been watching housewives of new york (CrAzY BiTcHeS! see what i mean about not fitting the ideal?! )
This post goes beyond excellent for me.
We share more than a birthday, Naomi. You have expressed my feelings about not needing religion, about my contentment with being a small ephemeral being, better than I ever have.
Thank you for writing this!
amen sister friend.
we were over at my mom's last night and her friend came over and em (my 4 year old) asked her where her dad was. the friend answered "he's in heaven with jesus". em looked at me like "wtf?". and i said "he died, honey". death emmy can get. 'with jesus' just doesn't compute. that's my girl.
It's good to read such a calm recount of such things. So often the topic is heated. When I was that age I had a crush on Jesus. ha! I am pretty sure at the very young ages the concept isn't the same as what it is for adults psychologically and even when it is indoctrinated like it was for me at St. Mary's, kids will attach whichever meaning to it that feels the most like what is expected of them. I have no idea why my childhood reaction was to crush on Jesus like he was in a boy band, but it was my attempt to assimilate the idea they wanted me to assimilate. Plus, that hippie Jesus that was so often pictured in my youth was kind of hot.
It is weird to me still that people need the concept the way they do though. I don;t identify with it, but to each his own and all that.
I believe my mother-in-law may have secretly baptized my kids in the water wheel at the mini golf a few years back. They looked a little wet and confused. I'm with you sister on the whole enchilada, carbon based life form to carbon based life form.
Cheyenne Harbrough once said, "I guess I believe there is a 'that which is knowable' and a 'that which is unknowable.' If you want to call the unknowable God, I guess I'm okay with that. But if you want to attribute divine knowledge to that unknowable... special powers... intentionality, well no, I guess I don't believe in that God."
I always liked that about Cheyenne.
I truly respect your post and am one of those that love you no matter what. I believe in God or a supreme being or whatever. It doesn't make me a better person or worse person. I wish there was on religion because I think that is the real problem with christanity. It's more like politics than faith. Gee, I'm rambling this morning but you understand. Love and Peace and Joy because you are you.
Love this post! Religion has never been a part of my life but I like to think I've developed a keen sense of right and wrong without a holy book to guide me.
Amen!
This line is so perfect. I no more had Jesus in my heart than I had a unicorn in my sternum. Pointing it out probably detracts from what ever else i want to say, but i lol'd.
I have always been on a more spiritual than religious path when it comes to all of this. But if you have found the love, than you have found the love. I think that is the point of it all.
Ugh. So cringed through that beginning story! Wonderfully told. I've had that experience when I WAS self-identifying Christian. Some people...
I wish I could rec this ten times.
Best part was about "unconditional love", that is so true.
You write well, in case someone hasn't told you that this week (or this day!)
Thank you for this.
p.s. that line about "unicorn in my sternum" is going to stick with me (ha, pun intended)
@buyit - I lurves ya too, babe! And I'm happy for you on the God front. Just didn't work for me, ya know?
@scifiknitter - Thank YOU, Anita!
@lilms_sassy - I have a friend who was terrified of the rapture because her grandma always used to tell her that one day she would just disappear to heaven, when the rapture came. Took her years to get over it. The things people say to children. . .
@Boowasborn - your Jesus crush is adorable. I had a crush on Willie Nelson. Not quite as adorable, if you ask me. Weird. Just weird. Anyhoo, yeah, it's calm because I feel calm about it. Providing no one is pushing it on me, I'm content to let people have their God or gods. I don't impose my will on others and expect that they won't on me. When they do, that's when the heat comes in.
@rubyblue123 - Yeah, something like that might have happened to me too. Not sure, but my family is from the bible belt so anything's possible.
@doahsdeer - Cheyenne's a smart lady that way.
@GoodGuyTheBoss - I DO understand! Hugs to you, V-mom.
@mydogischelsea - amazing how that works, eh?
@transvestite_rabbit - !
@MooncatBlue - that's my belief anyway. We're hardwired to love. So long as we find it somewhere, we're usually okay.
@distractedbyzombies - Thank you!
@beautifulwolf - Thanks lady! Glad I could make you laugh, too.
@Miashineonnnn - well said, sister! Thank you.
Sister of mine just yesterday I told someone that I felt no need to attend her church ,or any church, that I was at peace and flet no need for fellowship.Our dad taught us to be confident in making choices that were not always approved by others He had much to do with our freedom to know Jesus ,or to know of Jesus.I know of him ,and have taken some of his teachings like" blessed are the poor ",and "what you do for the least of your sisters and brothers ",and put them to good use, but I have never chosen to focus on the death of Jesus, or on a spiritual existence beyond my current life..Too often we laud the willingness to accept a violent death as an ultimate sacrifice forgetting that others lose much as we exit their lives ,and work we might have done is left undone I feel that If we must lay down our lives for others it is a tragedy and represents some failure on the part of mankind or a terrible twist of fate. I want to live for others and that can take tremendous courage too.Suffering comes to all of us and the struggle of Jesus to accept his own and to do so is notable ,but for me it is not a promise as much as it is an example in the extreme.One can come to terms with suffering or the hate of others.
.I am married to a devout Christian but he has never put pressure on me to convert . I love him for his acceptance of me as I am..I wish more people were like him and would let those of us who are " not saved " be, but that said it seems easy enough to just let their concern for us be their issue since it is a load they choose to carry.
I appreciate as someone mentioned how dispassionately you approached this topic.Yor example of the helpful parent rings true.I think I may have met her.
I'm fine without too, even in a huge crisis, it seems. I grew up in a devout evangelical family and I really wanted to believe but like you, I just couldn't make it compute from a pretty young age. Studying the Bible, philosophy, and other religions has only intensified my disbelief. I am feeling more spiritual lately, but in a pantheistic kind of way. This was Mike's feeling and he always had it more than me. Now that he's dead I'm feeling like . . . staring at blinking cursor . . . I don't know what, but more spiritual somehow. More connected to all things.
This is how I feel as well. I didn't start off with this, always, but I am here now. This was nicely written.
This is an AWESOME post, I need to get by here much more often!
Unicorn in your sternum, HAAAAAAAA!
They really tried and tried and tried with me too, only some of them weren't so nice about it.
Just was not meant to be!
I'm a believer in a higher power, and I believe that Jesus walked around on earth and did stuff as a man, but he is NOT my SAVIOR and not my higher power.
The representations of my higher power have a lot more arms then Jesus did!
bravo.
Very nicely put... and very nicely taken when they insulted you by treating your lack of faith in their beliefs as somehow an aberration on your part. It's not. You're just fine the way you are and don't you ever let anyone tell you different.
You have LOVE, therefore, you have God even if you don't know it....GOD IS LOVE!
take care
...the ten commandments was not a bad code of conduct...set out some good rules to stave off a whole host of problems...maybe there's a little room for modern revision...i agree with you wholeheartedly...but also feel we can't change what people strongly believe...some people need a good story to wrap their head around life...it's the way our minds have evolved...the most you can have is discussion to shape people's views...and isn't that us trying to foist our beliefs upon others...the key word is tolerance...for anyone with a unicorn in their sternum ; )
I have an electric eel in my liver, does that count?
Great post Naomi!
It's Sky Cake, mother fuckers!
Yeah you're really onto something here.
I've invited Jesus in my heart.
And Allah in my spleen,
Buddha nesting in my colon,
Shiva's in my brain.
I don't know why these deities,
Feel this parasitic call.
Are we really wrong for questioning,
The need for them at all?
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